Recently I was invited to a free taster session for Krav Maga. I was feeling extremely anxious and overwhelmed with fear, what- ifs and flashbacks, but I somehow pushed through. It was a constant exhausting battle with fight-or-flight response and a powerful feeling of not feeling safe. But I did it!
The following evening I was supposed to be somewhere, but changed my mind as I needed to nurture these feelings and treated myself with a magical night beneath the stars at Burrowbridge, followed by spending the night car camping at a service station.
The next day I pushed myself to go to Glastonbury and indulged in a cosy, colourful blanket. Little did I know that I would later see this blanket as a symbol of my triumph over fear. However, I did have the internal struggle of not meeting someone's expectations as I was supposed to be somewhere else.
My nervous system began to relax, and as the night went on, my self defeating thoughts and self sabotage began to fade. I realised I had conquered my fear and even had a dream about enjoying time in a swimming pool surrounded by people, Something I had refrained from for a long time and I had just been given a free gym pass. Was I ready to face the next bout of fear?
I felt I had undergone the best trauma therapy I could have given myself by embracing parts of myself I had previously denied. I feel ready to confront the next wave of fear to become a better version of me one step at a time.
As I wrote this I could hear my dad singing, "One day at a time sweet Jesus."I now call him my spirit guide although I prefer to call him an angel in the making, working hard behind the veil, much like the stars that shine in the beautiful glimmering night, gone but not forgotten, leaving remnants of his presence.
Several nights later I began to feel challenged after an email. Would I continue my journey with Krav Maga, I thought as I leapt out of bed suddenly feeling angry as dormant suppressed feelings arose to the surface.
During self reflection I realised how much anger I had accumulated from my experiences of being ostracised, isolated and rejected. I began shadow boxing as tears welled up before getting back into bed as the awareness that people had never really seen me beyond their own perceptions. The anger of being left in a dangerous situation and then feeling punished for something out of my control. I was fuming before reminding myself I was indeed a valiant spirit.
I reached for my rose quartz holding it against my heart, nurturing those parts of me with love that were in so much pain and that had been neglected before allowing understanding and forgiveness to flow out to others upon my heart and mind.
Next morning I awoke with the new awareness that I needed to build within, a sense of safety in a world that had become increasingly more aggressive. I needed to be more aware of my surroundings and those I chose to be around. I had noticed how the more I tried to grow and shine the more aggressive and demeaning the approach people were taking to put me down.
All this awareness and growth from one free Krav Maga session at an exceptional gym!
I am excited as I embark on healing my wounded warrior with some wonderful activities as I continue to grow at a well where people spring to life.
With Love and light to all warriors and valiant spirits
Continue to shine brighter each day as safely as possible
Until the next chapter
-Wu Wei Warriors